Posted in Mental Health

The Days Are Blue

As blue as your eyes.

As blue as your mind.

I want you to see me.

I want you to believe me.

Try dying in my arms.

Try dying for me.

Take a chance.

A leap of faith.

Trust in my wicked ways.

Save for today.

I can help take away the pain.

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Posted in Anxiety, crazy, Depression, Mental Health, Personal Growth, Schizoaffective, self growth, self-actualization, Struggle, thought project

Oversensitive 

The world is a very chaotic place for me.  My perceptual interpretation of this reality comes with sights that are too bright, sounds that are too loud, thoughts that are too strong. I am overly sensitive especially to my thoughts. They hokd so much power over me. It’s so hard to fight them at times. If I just accept my thoughts and emotions for what they are, I will be a miserable prick with no drive or ambition. That’s why I make it a point to work on myself every single day. Every moment is an opportunity for self growth and improvement, ever expanding and comforting my soul. So, if I have to experience this world in hypervigilance and overstimulation in order to better myself as a person and as a spirit of this universe, I will accept my fate and make the best of it. I need intense therapy sessions so I can break my negative patterns of thinking and decode my past. Everyone should work on themselves at least a little everyday. Never think that you have it all figured out because you will shut yourself off to the world. Most are blind to spiritual matters because it cannot he explained. I was once terrified of the unknown, and still am to a certain extent. I now push through the fear and use all of the energy generated to my advantage. I love you all and you are special in your own unique way. Namaste

Posted in Mental Health

Tough Enough

You are strong.

You are Wise.

Don’t listen to what others say, nor the voices in your head.

You know deep down who you really are and what you are capable of.

Stop fighting everything and let the universe run its natural course.

Namaste

Posted in Anxiety, crazy, Depression, Mental Health, Personal Growth, research, Schizoaffective, self growth, self-actualization, Struggle, thought project, Uncategorized

Thought Project #1

My Thoughts

This is a thought experiment. I am talking to my mind my body. I can hear what it is saying to me.  His is my subconscious mind. I can actually feel a different presense inside of ny. I am not one, but two. I learned that when I smoke marijuana I can hear my thoughts a lot better. I might appear weird ont e outsise but I am gaining invaluable knowledge about myself. The journey to figuring out whio I am the trecking along. I have been trying to figure out how to speak to my mind this whole time. I want to have total control over my mind. Now, I mean in the sense that I can program myself to act a certain way in a specific situation.  I can get off track very often whnever im high though. It pits me into a state where my thoughts are loud enough for me to hear them,. Normamlly I can only feel what my my is saying Continue reading “Thought Project #1”

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Personal Growth, Schizoaffective, self growth, self-actualization, Struggle, Uncategorized

Thinking a Thought

 

 

Today I am just going to ramble on about what is inside of my head. I have a lot of changes happen since my last post. I’ve quit drinking and am stabilized with my medication. I have been happier over these past couple days since i’ve been out of the hospital, than I have been at anytime while I am drinking. I have learned so much about myself over the past 3 days thanks to a specific, God-given plant that just so happens to make you feel funny when its on fire.

You know, I have just come to a realization that I have been lying to you all this whole time. It’s a white lie that got the mayor hung. I was admitted into the hospital because I was severely depressed and drinking too much. I was also temporarily off one of my meds. The thought crossed my mind to kill myself. I knew I had to take action. Since I have gotten out 5 days ago, I have been stabilized and am sober, minus some marijuana. I realized that marijuana can slow me down and help me relax. Plus, I am gaining some insight like crazy over here. Continue reading “Thinking a Thought”

Posted in Mental Health

Words Aren’t Enough

The battle is constant right now for me. I am fighting my own mind and the darkness that resides within it. My addiction has been escalating more and more lately. I used to run throughout the day with complaints of anxiety and worry, and no hope to feel okay again. I always knew what the solution was but I didn’t want to give in to the temptation of using drugs again. I relapsed on opiates a few weeks back and ever since then I can’t seem to stop seeking them. Any time I know they are around, my mind stays fixated on the source or location that the drugs are. Because I just started a job and haven’t been paid a full paycheck yet, I mainly resort to acquiring more opiates in an illegal manner. I am extremely ashamed to accept that I have fallen back into the dark pattern of this addiction.

Ever since I started using again, I have this huge weight on my shoulders full of guilt and shame. At the same time, I have a sense of relief and satisfaction that nothing else can provide for me. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to shake anymore. My parents know I have relapsed again. I try my hardest to explain to my mom that I am self medicating and she pretends to have sympathy. Deep down, I can sense her level of disgust and repulsion towards me because she thinks I am weak. She even has me convinced at times that I am worthless and can control myself if I really wanted to. She just doesn’t understand the true nature of addiction like most people don’t. Continue reading “Words Aren’t Enough”

Posted in Mental Health

Intermission

I’m lost in a confusing mind state right now. Well, maybe not lost but definitely wandering inside of my own head. See, from time to time I like to examine myself and the actions I take in order to see where I may be making mistakes or turning simple situations into complex ones. As a severe anxiety sufferer, I turn everything into basically a calculus problem! And I get some kind of sick thrill from overanalyzing and Complicating these situations.                            I am currently having a hard time with developing new relationships with people. I don’t have many close friends and I always seem to scare away women that I am romantically interested in(but if it’s just a sexual interest, I have no problem!). Upon reflection and observation of this fact, I realized that I tend to come off really strong in both of these situations. I try to talk to people about very deep and personal issues way too early on in the relationship. I love shit like this but I realized that most people are freaked out by it. I have been told multiple times that I came on too strong by women(the ones who were willing ro be honest with me) and others were afraid to tell me why they lost interest.                                                                        I have trouble relating and communicating with most people. I have always been like this. Early in life it was my lack of emotion that drove people away. Now, it’s my excessive expression of my emotions that scare people away. It really is a sad situation and I beat myself up about it all the time. I just don’t know how I am supposed to act or speak in a lot of social situations, mainly when it comes to developing intimate relationships(friends and lovers).                      I don’t know what i am supposed to do in order to change this obviously detrimental behavior. I know what I am doing wrong but I don’t know what the alternative should be. Many people chit chat about little things, unimportant things. I don’t give 2 shits about small talk. I don’t give a fuck what your friend did with a guy last week. I just struggle with relating to small talk conversations. I want to talk about life and death. I want to know if you believe in ghosts and why or why not. I want to know what you think about aliens. Are they real? I want to hear about all the pain you have endured so I can maybe help to ease it. I get off on hearing traumatic stories because I can relate so deeply. Give me your pain. Feed me your sorrow. I will help take it all away from you, even if it’s just for the time being. I guess you say I’m a healer.. a healer of souls, of pain, of misery. And I want you to take in my pain, my dread so I can feel okay for just a few minutes.just a few seconds..                       I scare off women because I openly talk about my insecurities early on. I feel obligated to show a woman my weak points so she isn’t caught off guard months later. I talk about my mental illness with women early on, too. I want her to understand why I am the way I am. I feel that no one will accept me or love me if I don’t tell them why I am so odd at times. I always have women calling me weird within the first week of talking to them, but they always say it’s a good thing. I endorse the label openly but deep down I am stunned by the word, by the label.                                                                         I have a mental illness that interferes with my daily life. I become debilitated by the pain I feel quite often. I am terrified of my own mind. And when I tell somebody about my condition, I always get a “what’s schizoaffective?”. After I explain that it’s like a combination of bipolar and schizophrenia, I get a “oh okay”. And then I am called weird…. is the man with diabetes weird because his body cannot produce enough insulin? Is the woman with Parkinson’s weird because her brain produces too much dopamine, leading to severe mental and physical problems? Am I weird because my brain produces too much dopamine, not enough serotonin, not enough norepinephrine leading to occasionally all psychoses and chronic mood swings that can lead ultimately to death? What the fuck people?                                                                                As a society, we are not being properly informed about the severity of certain mental illness and the nature of the disorders. We may learn about it in anatomy but the hardships, difficulties, and struggles that we go through are not even touched on. 1 in 4 people develop some form of mental illness during their lifetimes. Many sufferers end up battling the symptoms of the illness for the rest of their lives. Why do I always get a smirk whenever I spill my heart out about my disorder? Why am I separated from the masses just because I am different. Where is the free love that everyone talks about but never acts on? Where is the caring and kindness that every human being deserves but instead, we are whispered about behind our backs because of our behaviors. It breaks my heart just to think about this but the world has to know. I’m sick and tired of the stigma, of the social pain I endure just because I have a disorder that I did not choose to have. Remember, I didn’t do this to myself. I have no choice in how my brain works. Everyone who reads this, please share this and help get the message out. Doesnt everyone deserve to be heard and understood? Yes. Yes we do.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Personal Growth, Schizoaffective, Struggle, Uncategorized

IMPOVERISHED

Im lacking knowledge about how to survive in this world.

Nobody ever showed me how to get my shit together.

I feel I won’t make it at times, the weight of the world.

No instruction pamphlet for me, just let loose like a dog

Try your best, young son! We’ll see you next fall.

Because I do FALL. I give in to the pain at times

Throbbing in my mind distracts me from the night

The night and its purpose, leading us all

Teach me how to live, show me the way!

The shrouded veil is only ever lifted partially every day

If I hold onto hope, the shadow directs my reality

For these demons inside object to all that is charity

Don’t walk around with your hand held out

They don’t like that. They can’t stand the sight

Embody who you are and be a man

The lesson in life is found through a cause or a stand

So we continue on this dark path, with guns at our side

Forever hoping that we can figure out this life